I Crave Space

I crave space. That's how I've always been.  I don't readily let people into my personal, private space. It's a state of being I created in the subconscious. Sometimes I think it's the result of an abnormal shyness that's been with me since childhood, other times I think it has to do with the fear of failure I once had. Don't know why, but I have always been like that. Cerebral; over-thinking things. My thoughts get ahead of me. I often get so caught up with my thoughts I forget the people around me.I am not exactly sure of it's source but today I am a lot the same, still getting lost in my thoughts, still craving space, still building walls, and still suffering the consequences.

And those consequences have been many. Some I've overcome over the years; some linger. I'm still, in the main, a loner. I'm pretty awkward socially. I'm still not as confident as I one day hope to be (hence my love of the computer keyboard). Life has not been as much fun as it could have been. (I'm guessing that's why they call it 'painfully shy'). Yup, life has been a pain in the butt in many ways. But I'm learning.

Over the years I've learnt the value of relationships. I've learnt the necessity of leveraging them for personal and business success. For the entrepreneur it's social capital. The extent of the success achieved is largely tied up in that entrepreneur's ability to forge relationships that lead to long term friendships, and eventually to profits. For the average human being building relationships is the natural course of life. For most, it's what gives life real meaning. We've often heard it said that nobody on their death bed ever wishes they'd spent more time on the job or acquiring things. They only always wish they'd spent more time building relationships. It's something I think about a lot, but I find I'm better at building walls than I am at building relationships.

So then, because I am so inclined to wander off in my own world of contemplation and imagination I have had to become intentional about choosing to start that conversation that I dread, or getting up- front and personal with others.  I've had to endure small talk on my way to making conversation; and because I've learned that people interpret 'reserved' as 'anti-social' I've had to pull myself out of this self-imposed shell and slowly walk away from my 'introvert' comfort zone. I've had to embrace the habit of listening (far cry from reading) and empathizing openly. I've learnt to accept formal teaching and writing opportunities as a means of engaging others. And I've had to make my passion for growth talking points with others. Am I there yet? No I'm not. I still don't call my mother and sisters as often as I should, I still don't know how to work a room and I'll never be the life of the party. But I am well on my way to letting go of 'shy' and looking forward to craving company rather than space.