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I am always amazed at how easily my fingers glide over the computer keyboard, or my pen over paper, as I empty my thoughts into my diary or some private space where my soul is not laid bare to the ravages of vulnerability. Absolutely no difficulty in putting my thoughts down. I've come to realize how different things become the moment I begin to write with an audience in mind. I search for the right words, or combinations thereof. I try to find the right rhythm. I want my audience to be impressed; I become preoccupied with the impact I want to leave on the reader's mind. But I find that it makes the task of writing burdensome and unpleasant. I feel like I am pandering to the needs of others.
On the other hand, when I open my private journal to pour my heart out into its pages, my fingers glide. Obviously, I have no concern for whether my words flow, how they will be perceived, or how widely they will be read, It's real. I'm real. My most authentic self comes flowing effortlessly unto the pages. The person I aspire to be stares back at me through the pages of words I unfurl. And I fall in love with the person I see; the person I don't see enough. The person I am. I wish all of life was like that. Authentic; totally un-fabricated; imperfect...yet perfect in this moment; with no artificially imposed standards or expectations. I find I want to be in this place more often. No pressure; just simply reveling in the intellectual freedom that abounds there.
So how do I capture and preserve these moments? How do I write material in hopes that others will benefit, yet divorce myself from the confines of their opinions? How do I scratch my own itch in the face of all the the other itches and irritations of other people that daily impose themselves upon my existence? I remind myself that while I want my writing to benefit others, ultimately writing is simply one of the vehicles through which MY purpose is revealed and expressed. I refuse to be derailed by the agendas and opinions of others. I remind myself of the thousands of others before me who have been robbed of their dreams by people who have never attempted anything significant in their lives. Yep, I remind myself that ultimately, my most important audience right now is one - that's me....and I am always rooting for me.
I am grateful that my desire to share and improve my talents and know-how have always been stronger than my desire for an audience; or else I might have stopped long ago. You see I have not taken the time to learn how to 'drive an audience' to my blog, convert leads, or how to earn from it. Rather, I have needed to know that I would do it whether I failed or I succeeded. I have needed to carry on for the sake of doing what mattered to me.....and I feel today that I have done that...with no audience. And it feels good. I guess an audience is good (at least sometimes) and ratings are great, I suppose....but the truth is, that's all vicissitudinous. I've got to stay grounded. For me, it's too dangerous to hand my future, so early on, to the platitudes of the unenthusiastic. I've got to keep staring me in the face and reminding myself of why I do what I do. I remind myself I am enough. And I carry on.
